Graduate Project

 

A letter to Nayeli: Where you came from and where you are going Public Deposited

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https://ir.library.oregonstate.edu/concern/graduate_projects/w6634c077

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  • It was only when I reached a graduate-level education that I began to make meaning of my educational experiences. I found validation in my upbringing through the CSSA program, and I gave myself permission to accept myself. I have always felt I needed to “catch up” with white students. I grew up thinking I was always a few steps behind the white students and assumed I just needed to work harder. In Jones and Abes (2013), I came across a point made by Iverson (2007) in the article “Camouflaging Power and Privilege: A Critical Race Analysis of University Diversity Policies,” which helped me understand why I felt I was always steps behind the white students (pp. 174-174). Iverson (2007) explains the language used by the University of Wisconsin in 1999, which, although “well-meaning,” shows the damage language causes to our students of color. The university addressed the need to close the “gap in educational achievement, by bringing retention and graduation rates for students of color in line with those of the student body as a whole” (p. 594 as cited in Jones & Abes, 2013, pp. 174-175). The key words in this damaging message were “in line with those of the student body as a whole” which then centered whiteness as a whole (student body) and indicating students of color need to “be in line with” the rest of the (white) student body. The previous example is the language that students of color grow up hearing, and unknowingly, we spend so many years of our lives feeling left behind. I unconsciously thought I needed to work to be “in line with” the white students. Writing a letter to myself has allowed me to lead with a Critical Race Theory (CRT) framework in centering my own voice and experiences and I learned how I can continue to practice this theory as I work with students. CRT helped me in understanding how institutional and societal systems, power and privilege, and identity development affect the student's experience when they grow up in an environment that tells them they need to “be in line with” their White counterparts [comp 3]. CRT challenges the “be in line with” idea, by allowing students to see the value in their cultural heritage and knowledge. This framework has helped me understand how racist practices are still ingrained in our education systems, which for me, were often shown through microaggressions and colorblindness. As I wrote to myself validating “The Things That Caught Me Off Guard” and “Know That You Deserved Better,” I share the same feelings the eight participants shared in the study from Sánchez et al. (2021). “When discussing with the women how their experiences as early career Latina higher education administrators influenced their futures in the field, we found that most participants began their careers feeling enthusiastic and eager to impact the lives and college experiences of marginalized students on campus” (p. 598). They lacked a sense of belonging; they did not feel like they could bring their authentic selves to their jobs and began to feel burnt out and demoralized about their careers. One of the participants shared a comment a student made about her, saying she could not possibly be an English teacher when English was not her first language. She then started to second-guess herself and had to work herself back into her role. She internalized the student's message, which affected her morale and sense of belonging in her classroom. This experience is the same type of internalized message I felt when the college president told me I did not impress the Board of Education with my language. Experiences shared in my letter and specifically through the narratives from the Sánchez et al. (2021) reading prove how detrimental experiences of racism and discrimination have on our personal and professional development. I have felt that my professional development has been on hold because I have not felt the energy to continue to grow in my workplace, and I do not have the enthusiasm that I used to. At first, it felt as if I had halted my development, but in reality, I needed to give myself time to heal and disconnect more from what was continuously dragging me down.
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